Priceless Ice

This romping script experiments with a combination of two opposing genres: Mystery and Comedy. This cinematic duo has been done to marvelous success in feature-length films such as the classic "The Thin Man" series, and more recently "Hot Fuzz". I wondered if it could be done well in the short film format, and here is the result.

The first script, entitled "Apollo's Eyes Puzzler" was entered in the five-page contest at MoviePoet.com in February. The script then passed through two rewrites: a longer version which returned to my original title of "Truth Will Out", and then a refined version entitled "Priceless Ice" which is posted below.

Note that each version provides a different conclusion. Enjoy them both!

APOLLO'S EYES PUZZLER by Kyle Patrick Johnson Represented by: Canton Literary Management (CLM) Contact: Eric Canton (866) 429-3118 ECanton@Prodigy.net www.CantonLiteraryManagement.com FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY FIELD - NOON A magnificent diamond, large as a baseball, on purple velvet on a small wooden table. Refracts the sun’s rays, brilliant. Three adults circle it, hold hands. They are: HUNTNER (60), English, distinguished goatee; VYNNIE (30), waist-long hair, her eyes always wide open as if in surprise; SAFARI (30), voluptuous Betty Boop figure. The sky darkens. The diamond ceases its light show. HUNTNER Now is the time of renewal! Huntner thrusts his arms into the air, the others follow. They turn their faces to the vanishing sun overhead, stare into the eclipse, mouths open in ecstasy, bent backwards. HUNTNER Unblinking heaven, mother-father Sun, Apollo’s Eye! Cleanse us! The little group looks like an unfurling flower. Darkening field. INT. CITY MORGUE - DAY MATT CADAVER (30), city Coroner, green scrubs, alone. Bends across a dead body, examines a black lung. A Figure tiptoes up behind Cadaver, patient, stalks his prey. Suddenly the Figure looms above him, a terrifying surprise. Figure strikes him hard on the back. Cadaver falls face forward. Into the dead body. CADAVER (muffled) Egglehard, goddamn it. Cadaver straightens, wipes his face on a sleeve. The Figure: RON EGGLEHARD (40), idiot smile, idiot face. EGGLEHARD Was your mouth open? Huh? 2. EXT. COUNTRY FIELD - AFTERNOON The sun emerges from the eclipse. Light pours over the group. ALL Apollo cleanse! Apollo cleanse! They release their hands, wave their arms, shake heads, rub eyes, twirl in a tizzy. Dizzying flurry of arms and legs. Vynnie freezes, rubs her eyes, blinks, points at the table. VYNNIE Huntner, call the police! Purple velvet, wooden table, but no diamond. Huntner whips out a cell phone, his eyes blink wide as he dials. INT./EXT. EGGLEHARD’S CAR/COUNTRY HIGHWAYS - AFTERNOON Egglehard drives like a nitwit, swerves across the midline, never looks at the road. Cadaver holds on for dear life. CADAVER When they told me to go out on cases after the layoffs? Huh, I’d thought the joke was on you. EXT. COUNTRY FIELD - AFTERNOON Huntner, Vynnie, and Safari stare dumbfounded as Egglehard’s car careens across the field towards them, never slowing. They dive out of the way. The car skids, brakes engaged, too late. It crashes over the wooden table, splinters fly. Egglehard jumps out, sucks the air in deep, pounds his chest. EGGLEHARD This is the life out here! So serene. These must be our suspects! Huntner, Vynnie, and Safari climb to their feet. EGGLEHARD Describe yourselves. Three things each, that’s enough for me. HUNTNER Um, Bob Huntner. Jeweler, museum curator, Apollo’s Eyes-er. 3. SAFARI Safari. Writer, reader, hot dogs. VYNNIE Vynnie Vinton. Widow, widow, widow. And you’re from the police? Vynnie licks her lips, a lustful look for Egglehard. Egglehard, jaw open, stares at Safari’s curvy body instead. Cadaver, still shaken, clambers out of the car. CADAVER Yup. Matt Cadaver, Coroner. My partner, Ron Egglehard, Detective. HUNTNER Nobody’s dead. It was theft. EGGLEHARD I know who did it. Everyone looks at him in astonishment. EGGLEHARD It was easy. Vynnie, I arrest you for the theft of... What was it? HUNTNER The Bringington Diamond. VYNNIE What!! Why? EGGLEHARD Your names both start with V. V is the 23rd letter in the alphabet. Michael Jordan, God rest his soul, was the greatest basketball player ever. Basketball starts with B. B for Bringington. B for Theft! SAFARI V is the 22nd letter. Damn. EGGLEHARD Unfazed, Egglehard ogles Safari, flirts with gross abandon. Safari is unresponsive. CADAVER Shouldn’t we be looking around for the diamond, Ron? 4. EGGLEHARD Can it run away? Does it have legs? Don’t worry, then. It’ll stay put. Egglehard makes a kissy face at Safari. No response. EGGLEHARD Say, what is this? VYNNIE She’s blind... Detective. Cadaver takes charge, steps in front of Egglehard. CADAVER What is this group? How’d you all meet? HUNTNER At the Religious Studies section at a bookstore last week. We discussed the upcoming solar eclipse, shared a common bond of spirituality. I, um, borrowed the Bringington Diamond from the museum as a symbol of multifaceted-- Is he all right? Egglehard pitches forward, falls over. Face down in the muddy car tracks. EGGLEHARD Maybe the thief came up from a tunnel. Or buried it. I’ll find it. Cadaver leans to Huntner, snide remark. CADAVER His daddy’s the Chief of Police. Egglehard squeals with delight. Holds a piece of Scotch tape. Cadaver looks down, shifts his feet. Dirty discarded pieces of Scotch tape litter the ground. CADAVER Wait a sec. What are there, maybe six pieces of tape? Egglehard counts as though counting is hard work. He nods. Cadaver bursts out laughing. Riotous, uproarious. I got it. CADAVER 5. EGGLEHARD The diamond? CADAVER The thief. Let me guess. You guys, during the eclipse, taped your upper eyelids open? HUNTNER It’s our duty. Someone had to wait for mother-father Sun in unblinking reverence. We’re Apollo’s Eyes. CADAVER That total eclipse lasted for, what, three or four minutes? SAFARI It seemed like an eternity. CADAVER I bet it did. Because your eyes needed to be refreshed by blinking. When you finally started blinking, you were momentarily blinded by dry corneas and retinal stimulation. HUNTNER Yeah, they burned bloody hell. CADAVER And while you were distracted, the thief worked through the pain, and, well, simply ate the diamond. VYNNIE It was bigger than my fist! CADAVER You do have a professional hot dog eater among you. The same woman who, every day, handles blindness. Egglehard leaps forward, buffets Safari on the head, knocks her down. He stands over her like a triumphant gladiator. HUNTNER But the diamond! Can we make her vomit the thing back up? CADAVER Truth will out. In about 24 hours. FADE OUT. 

PRICELESS ICE by Kyle Patrick Johnson Represented by: Canton Literary Management (CLM) Contact: Eric Canton (866) 429-3118 ECanton@Prodigy.net www.CantonLiteraryManagement.com Registered with: Writers Guild of America, West, Inc. Registration #1348263 2. FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY FIELD - NOON A magnificent diamond, large as a golf ball, displayed on faded purple velvet, sits on a small wooden table in the middle of prairie grass. Refracts the sun’s rays, brilliant. Three adults circle it, hold hands. They are: HUNTNER (60), English, distinguished goatee; VYNNIE (30), waist-long hair, her eyes always wide open as if in surprise; SAFARI (30), voluptuous Betty Boop figure. The sky darkens. The diamond ceases its light show. HUNTNER Now is the time of renewal! Huntner thrusts his arms into the air, the others follow. They turn their faces to the vanishing sun overhead, stare into the eclipse, mouths open in ecstasy, bent backwards. HUNTNER Unblinking heaven, mother-father Sun, Apollo’s Eye! Cleanse us! Renew us in our dedicated watchfulness, that our inner eyes be as seeing as thy own. The little group looks like an unfurling flower. Darkening field. Faces to the sky. Eyes wide open. Too wide open. The sun emerges from the eclipse. Light pours over the group. ALL Apollo cleanse! Apollo cleanse! Apollo cleanse! Apollo cleanse! They release their hands, wave their arms, shake heads, rub eyes, twirl in a tizzy. Dizzying flurry of arms and legs. Huntner reaches up to his eyelids, yanks. Pulls off a piece of Scotch tape from each eye. Screams with the pain. Presses a palm against each eye. Shakes his head. Vynnie and Safari follow suit: yank, scream, press, shake. 3. Vynnie freezes, rubs her eyes, blinks, points at the table. VYNNIE Where’d it go? Purple velvet, wooden table, but no diamond. A worn dark spot on the velvet where the diamond had been. Huntner goggles at the void. He reaches up to his eyelids, forces them open with his hands. HUNTNER Blast and bloody hell, I’m going to catch it. The damn thing’s gone! Vynnie looks underneath the table. Nope, not there. SAFARI It can’t have-- no, no. VYNNIE What, what? SAFARI Apollo himself, you think? Taken it like in the books? Really? HUNTNER Maybe. Maybe not. One of you snagged the ice, more like? Open your pockets. Huntner takes a step. Safari and Vynnie jump backwards. VYNNIE NO! We didn’t take it. Maybe you did, to get the insurance. HUNTNER You’re insane. I’ll get canned. Insurance isn’t under my name. The three face each other across the table, distrust crackles amongst them. SAFARI You’re not touching me. Huntner whips out a cell phone. HUNTNER Only one way to settle this, ‘cause Apollo’s not going to tell me. 4. SAFARI You asked him yet? HUNTNER I’m calling the police. VYNNIE What police? We’re in the middle of nowhere. HUNTNER That small town that we passed. Had to have a county sheriff or something. They’ll take you down. One of you. I promise you. Huntner flashes a malevolent snarl as he dials. INT. COUNTY MORGUE - DAY MATT CADAVID (30), county Coroner, green scrubs, alone. Bends across a dead body, examines a swollen black lung. Nasty goopy sounds as he works. He whistles a lively swing tune. A dark, shadowy, indistinct FIGURE tiptoes up behind Cadavid, patient, stalks his prey. Suddenly the Figure looms above him, a terrifying surprise. Figure strikes him hard on the back. Cadavid falls face forward. Into the dead body. A wet goopy sound. Gross. CADAVID (muffled) Egglehard, goddamn it. Cadavid straightens, wipes his face on a sleeve. The Figure: RON EGGLEHARD (40), idiot smile, idiot face. EGGLEHARD Was your mouth open? Huh? A cell phone rings. In Egglehard’s pocket. He whips it to his ear. EGGLEHARD Egglehard speaking... Uh-huh... Uhhuh... Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Egglehard hangs up. 5. CADAVID Who was that? EGGLEHARD I don’t know. (affects an accent) Don’t matter, pardner. Okay, partner, saddle up. Time to ride. CADAVID We got a case? But I’m in the middle of an autops-EGGLEHARD Remember the Layoffs! You’re my crew now. And I say: Onward! Cadavid wipes his hands on a towel, throws it on the floor in disgust. INT./EXT. EGGLEHARD’S CAR/COUNTRY HIGHWAYS - AFTERNOON Egglehard drives like a nitwit, swerves across the midline, never looks at the road. Cadavid holds on for dear life. Cadavid still wears his dirty scrubs. EXT. COUNTRY FIELD - AFTERNOON Huntner, Vynnie, and Safari stare dumbfounded as Egglehard’s car careens across the field towards them, never slowing. They dive out of the way. The car skids, brakes engaged, too late. It crashes over the wooden table, splinters fly. Egglehard jumps out, sucks the air in deep, pounds his chest. EGGLEHARD This is the life out here! So serene. These must be our suspects! Huntner, Vynnie, and Safari climb to their feet. EGGLEHARD Describe yourselves. Three things each, that’s enough for me. HUNTNER Um, Bob Huntner. Jeweler, museum curator, Apollo’s Eyes-er. 6. SAFARI Safari. Writer, ESPN, hot dogs. VYNNIE Vynnie Vinton. Widow, widow, widow. And you’re from the police? Vynnie licks her lips, a lustful look for Egglehard. Egglehard, jaw open, stares at Safari’s curvy body instead. Cadavid, still shaken, clambers out of the car. CADAVID Yup. Matt Cadavid, Coroner. My partner, Ron Egglehard, Detective. HUNTNER Nobody’s dead. It was theft. EGGLEHARD I know who did it. Everyone looks at him in astonishment. EGGLEHARD It was easy. Vynnie, I arrest you for the theft of... What was it? HUNTNER The Bringington Diamond. VYNNIE What!! Why? EGGLEHARD Your names both start with V. V is the 23rd letter in the alphabet. Michael Jordan, God rest his soul, was the greatest basketball player ever. Basketball starts with B. B for Bringington. B for Theft! SAFARI V is the 22nd letter. Damn. EGGLEHARD Unfazed, Egglehard ogles Safari, flirts with gross abandon. Safari is unresponsive. 7. CADAVID Shouldn’t we be looking around for the diamond, Ron? EGGLEHARD Can it run away? Does it have legs? Don’t worry, then. It’ll stay put. (beat) Maybe we should frisk them. Egglehard makes a kissy face at Safari. No response. EGGLEHARD Say, what is this? VYNNIE She’s blind... Detective. Cadavid takes charge, steps in front of Egglehard. CADAVID What is this group? HUNTNER We are Apollo’s Eyes. We met at the Religious Studies section at a bookstore last week. We discussed the upcoming solar eclipse, shared a common bond of spirituality. I, um, borrowed the Bringington Diamond from the museum. I’m a janitor, don’t you know. And aside, did you know that the curator keeps the exhibits refrigerated? Icebox cold, preserves them longer, especially the parchments. Frigid job getting the diamond out, I’m telling you. Cadavid looks bored. Huntner gets back on topic. HUNTNER The Diamond serves to refract Apollo’s life-giving rays, a symbol of multifaceted-- Is he all right? Egglehard pitches forward, falls over. Face down in the muddy car tracks. EGGLEHARD Maybe the thief came up from a tunnel. Or buried it. I’ll find it. Cadavid leans to Huntner, snide remark. 8. CADAVID His daddy’s the Chief of Police. Egglehard squeals with delight. Holds a piece of Scotch tape. Cadavid looks down, shifts his feet. Dirty discarded pieces of Scotch tape litter the ground. Egglehard counts the pieces of tape as though counting is hard work. A light dawns. Egglehard bursts out laughing. Riotous, uproarious. EGGLEHARD I got it. Let me guess. You guys, during the eclipse, taped your upper eyelids open? HUNTNER It’s our duty. Someone had to wait for mother-father Sun’s return in unblinking reverence. We are Apollo’s Eyes. EGGLEHARD That total eclipse lasted for, what, three or four minutes? SAFARI It seemed like an eternity. EGGLEHARD I bet it did. Because your eyes needed to be refreshed by blinking. HUNTNER Yeah, they burned bloody hell. CADAVID That’s possible. EGGLEHARD And while you were distracted, the thief worked through the pain and ate the diamond. CADAVID That’s not possible. VYNNIE It was as big as a golf ball! 9. EGGLEHARD You do have a professional hot dog eater. The same woman who, every day, handles blindness. Safari doubles over in sudden pain, grabs her midsection. CADAVID Well, okay, if you say so. I guess that’s it hitting the pyloric sphincter. Egglehard leaps forward, buffets Safari on the head, knocks her down. He stands over her like a triumphant gladiator. HUNTNER But the diamond! Can we make her vomit the thing back up? CADAVID No way. It’ll tear up her esophagus on the way out. I wouldn’t do that to a dog, much less... HUNTNER She’s a thief. Who cares about her? I need to get that diamond back to the exhibit. EGGLEHARD Do nothing. Truth will out. In about 24 hours. Cadavid grimaces. The thought gives him literal pain. SAFARI No, I think I’ve been poisoned. I didn’t swallow... OW. Safari goes limp, suddenly. Egglehard’s car starts. Wheels spin, dirt flies. Vynnie is in the driver’s seat, waves goodbye. The car rockets across the field, out of sight. FADE TO BLACK. The sound of a car crashing into a tree. EGGLEHARD (V.O.) I shoulda got those brakes fixed ages ago. 10. CADAVID (V.O.) (shrieks) What? SAFARI (V.O.) Oh, she did it? Ah. I suddenly feel much better. INT. COUNTY MORGUE - DAY Cadavid pores over the same dead body, focused. Egglehard tiptoes up behind him. Gets closer, closer. Egglehard raises an arm to push Cadavid. Cadavid bends to the side. Egglehard, off-balance, pitches forward, face-down into the body’s groin. He comes up, spluttering. Cadavid laughs. EGGLEHARD Oh no, oh my... aggghh. Egglehard pours liquid soap into his mouth, swishes, swirls, spits it out onto the floor. Goes to the sink, turns on the cold water. Puts his head under the stream, bubbles froth out of his mouth. CADAVID You get a confession out of Vynnie, yet? Egglehard replies, something indistinct. CADAVID I mean, she did it, right? The bubbles cease. Egglehard straightens, turns off the water. EGGLEHARD No, she didn’t. CADAVID But she stole your car. A getaway car. 11. EGGLEHARD She doesn’t have the diamond. She said she just wanted a man to chase her for once. CADAVID So we’ll never know who did it. EGGLEHARD I guess not. CADAVID That’s the way it goes. I guess. EGGLEHARD CADAVID I wouldn’t want to be Huntner right now, explain this to his curator. EGGLEHARD I guess not. CADAVID A valuable piece of ice like that. Priceless loss. I guess. EGGLEHARD CADAVID At least it’s been insured, I hope. I guess. EGGLEHARD CADAVID Huntner’ll be fired for sure. EGGLEHARD I guess not. Huh? CADAVID EGGLEHARD Curator forgave him. Case closed. Cadavid goggles in astonishment. Doesn’t make sense. Egglehard shrugs. He leaves. Cadavid leans back over the body. 12. INT. COUNTRY FIELD - DAY Overcast, clouds. The remains and splinters of the wooden table on the ground. The purple velvet cloth lies by itself. A dark wet spot lingers in the middle. The sky opens up, rain pours down. The velvet cloth becomes completely dark now. FADE OUT.