And You Would

These last weeks, I have been deeply ruminating on the massive changes that have occurred in Western societies over the last century, especially evidenced in the near complete lack of education of children on the norms of social decency. Codes of etiquette are not just ignored, they are as scorned as the institutions which once promoted them.

In a very real way, we now live in the "diss" culture. As in, "Don't diss me or I'll" fill in the blank. To my mind, this "diss"ness is merely a transparent mask over a culture of selfishness. And so, being a writer, I naturally figured that the best way to express my discontent is through satire. Enjoy.

AND YOU WOULD by Kyle Patrick Johnson Represented by: Canton Literary Management (CLM) Contact: Eric Canton (866) 429-3118 ECanton@Prodigy.net www.CantonLiteraryManagement.com 2. FADE IN: INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY NICK (20), self-acknowledged master of all things, saunters towards the produce section with an empty basket on his arm. NICK I mean, seriously, did you know they can put zero percent fat right on the front even if there’s actually fat in there? It’s just gotta be low enough that they can claim it. It’s still a lie. Nick stops in front of the bananas. Looks over the bunches. NICK And here’s where the real coin comes in. They mark this stuff up like a thousand percent. Pure profit. But they’re still just nineteen cents a pound so you think it’s like some massive deal. Nick picks out a green bunch. In the basket it goes. NICK Green’s better. I hate all that mushy stuff, you know, the bruises and stuff. Same basic nutrients, sure, but who wants it? Nick walks to the condiment aisle. NICK I mean, I’m paying my hard-earned nineteen cents for a two-cent bunch, I better get what I pay for. That’s all I really mean. I just want what’s best, you know. Picks out a ketchup bottle. Goes to put it in his basket, but he’s so concerned about talking that he drops it. Awww. NICK He bends to pick it up. Ketchup leaks out of a split in the corner, gets on his hands. 3. NICK For the love... Man, this isn’t my day at all. Maybe it’s just my pet peeve or something, but I hate getting my hands dirty. Nick puts the ketchup bottle back on the shelf. Grabs another bottle, tosses it in his basket. NICK I’ll have to clean my hands... Oh, no, don’t you, you shouldn’t be thinking that. Listen, the store’ll return it to the manufacturer, no problem, reimbursement heaven. Don’t sweat it. Oh, come on, you want me to... You think I should... Nick turns, stares directly into the camera. NICK And you would? Nick shakes his head, turns away. Walks to the dog food aisle. NICK The thing I been thinking recently, all about these people on Wall Street, all these rich turds squatting on the rest of us, how awesome it would be if they finally got theirs. I mean, they’re all like, “I’m too good for regular people things”, I bet they don’t even go in grocery stores like this. Their food grows on money stalks, and their little slaves pick it off and hand-feed it. You know? Listen, I’m never gonna be rich, because I don’t know who I gotta know to be something. Nick passes a HEAVY-SET WOMAN (40) who struggles with a large box of diapers on the waxed floor. Nick doesn’t stop, keeps walking. NICK How great it’ll be, I’ll be so skyhigh when they get theirs. I’ll be out in the streets like, woo-hoo. Oh, come on, you’re doing it again, I know you are... 4. NICK (CONT'D) you think I should’ve... Look, it had handles, you know. And there are terrorists everywhere. I don’t know her. I’m not gonna profile her, it’s just that my mom told me not to go anywhere near strangers. I’m just doing what my mom wants, you can’t think I’m a bad... come on... Nick looks directly into the camera. NICK And you would? Heavy-set Woman picks up the diapers in the background. Drops them immediately, grabs her lower back in massive pain. NICK What was I... oh, yeah, you know, I bet those guys actually own grocery stores. One thousand percent markup. Yeah. Nick grabs a small bag of dog food, tosses it in his basket. Turns the corner. Heads to the check-out lane. NICK You’re not gonna find me caught dead in some minimum-wage job, no, sir. All or nothing for me. That’s the American Dream. Nick plunks down his ketchup and dog food on the conveyor belt. The CASHIER (14) scans them through. NICK A dead-end job like this where people see people all day long and still never talk to them? Please. I’d rather make no money and play video games. At least then I’m doing something, some back-andforth. I’d have made a good hunter, probably, back in hunt-and-gather days. First-person shooter stuff. CASHIER Nine eighty-five. Nick digs into a pocket. Pulls out a wallet. 5. NICK Look, see that, right there? That’s the only interaction they have. Some impersonal number, some money they’ll never see again, what kinda life is that? Nick hands over a ten dollar bill. Cashier counts out coins. Her long, fake fingernails scratch inside the register, scrabbling to pick up the coins. NICK Too long. Look at that. Like even she knows this job sucks, so she pastes on those mammoths just to stick it to the man, but the only person she ends up bothering is herself. Well, and me, I guess. CASHIER Eighty-five cents. Nick pockets the coins, picks up a grocery bag with the ketchup and dog food in it. Behind him, in line now, Heavy-set Woman hunches over her cart, in pain. She just has diapers and a ketchup bottle. Nick walks to the entrance as Cashier scans Heavy-set Woman’s scant purchases. NICK I know, I know. Her math skills suck as much as her choice of nail color. Is it my fault? Eighty-five cents. What is that, seventy extra cents? Not even a buck? Like I’m going to walk all the way back there for less than a buck? So what? That won’t even buy a pack of gum these days, they won’t even miss it. In the background, Heavy-set Woman searches in her purse for money. Cashier, impatient, hand out. HEAVY-SET WOMAN Anyone? I only need thirty-seven cents? Please? No one answers. Nick doesn’t even turn around, keeps walking. 6. NICK Yeah, I hear it. Come on, why do you always gotta put the world’s problems on me? I’m just a guy, come on. The store’ll take care of her, she’s a loyal customer, probably. I’m not gonna fork over my hard-earned money for a stranger who’s short that little. It’ll all work out. Oh, come on... Heavy-set Woman, still in tremendous back pain, gets no offers of help. Resigned, she hands the ketchup bottle back to the cashier. The bottle bursts in her hands, soaks them both in ketchup. Nick looks directly into the camera. NICK And you would? FADE OUT.