After The End

Logline: "A gorgeous heiress and an Australian lifeguard make a rash, storybook decision at the altar. But cultural, family, and personality differences are comically magnified during day-to-day marriage."

This is a simple premise, but one I haven't seen before. The climax of every romantic comedy involves an all-inclusive wedding, where everyone finds their someone, smiles abound, and all is chocolate and sunshine.

The End.

Or is it? In my opinion, real life (and real comedy, therefore) begins after the wedding, with the minute interactions and irritating details of actually living with a committed spouse.

AFTER THE END by Kyle Patrick Johnson Represented by: Canton Literary Management (CLM) Contact: Eric Canton (866) 429-3118 ECanton@Prodigy.net www.CantonLiteraryManagement.com Registered with: Writers Guild of America, West, Inc. Registration #1369229 2. FADE IN: EXT. BEACH - DAY Hazy hot noon on a wide California beach. Beached bodies of HOUSEWIVES and SWIMSUIT MODELS dot the landscape, barely a grain of sand visible. Not a male in sight. Trim female ATHLETES play beach volleyball. BABES wearing nothing but bikinis and sunglasses lounge in puddles of tanning oil. Flashing bleached-teeth smiles, exotic BEAUTIES splash in the shallows, giggling and bouncing. Enough female flesh to freeze any man’s harddrive. Even the maintenance man is a MAINTENANCE WOMAN, perfect curves, aims a paint sprayer at a restroom facility, changes it from white to dark blue in the most sensual manner. Perched on top of a lifeguard’s tower, head in his hands, looking glum and love-wasted, is LIAM RYAN (20s), a shirtless, firm-muscled Australian, a Playgirl’s dream. White sunscreen plastered on his nose, plastic green-billed visor. A SUPERMODEL (20s) slinks up to his tower, leans against it, both hands up in her hair. An exotic accent, a breathy tone. SUPERMODEL Uh, lifeguard. Yoo-hoo. I wonder if you’d show me your breaststroke. LIAM (monotone) Swimming classes are six to eight every morning except Sunday. Supermodel huffs, stalks towards the water. Liam looks at the sky, mind not on his work. Supermodel stumbles into the surf, flails. Pretends that she can’t swim. Of course she can. SUPERMODEL Help me! Help, lifeguard. Beauties in the shallows roll their eyes at her. BUZZZZ! BUZZZZ! A cell phone vibrates in Liam’s pocket. He pulls it out, automatic, taps the screen. Looks down. 3. Text message: “Liam please come. How can I start without U.” A new light shines in Liam’s eyes. He draws himself up, stands tall on the tower. He hits his chest with a forearm, jumps off the tower like a graceful cat, alights on the sand below. He runs across the beach, slight puffs of water spray from beneath his bare feet. The sun shines through his green visor, illuminates his too-white nose, his eyes fixed on some distant object. Housewives and Athletes dodge his train-like forward motion. LIAM (whispers) I’m coming, Lissy. I’m coming. Liam sprints away from the water, towards a road beyond. He cuts in between Maintenance Woman and her building. He’s sprayed with dark blue paint, all over his naked torso. It’s as if he doesn’t even notice. Supermodel founders in deep waves far out to sea. She’s really in trouble this time. Goes down for the third time. SUPERMODEL (mouth full of water) Hep... Over here... Liam keeps running. A Housewife, far from the surf under a red beach umbrella, poises a piled-high hotdog, onions, ketchup, on the precipice of her mouth. Ready to bite... Liam runs smack into Housewife, falls on top of her. She squeals in delight. He pops right back up onto his hands and knees, onions and ketchup smeared across his blue chest. He nods an apology to the wrigglingly happy Housewife. LIAM Not my intention, ma’am. Housewife pouts. Liam stands. His head goes right through an outer loop in the red umbrella. 4. He strains to start running again, held back by the umbrella around his neck. The umbrella pole, sunk deep into the sand, bends to its limit. The umbrella snaps off its pole, vaults Liam forward. EXT. BUSY STREETS - DAY Traffic is snarled, mid-day jams. DRIVERS hang out of car windows, trapped in stalled vehicles, desperate for cool air. Liam runs in between the cars, eyes still fixed on some unknown purpose. The red umbrella flutters behind, cape-like. Drivers look at him like he’s crazy. Liam veers to the right, heads down a new street. His eyes are still on the sky: he doesn’t see the orange cones. Splat. He falls flat on his face in undried concrete. CONSTRUCTION WORKERS gape at their ruined job. Liam pushes himself up, his whole front gooped in gray gunk. He scrapes the wet concrete off his body, splattering it over the perfectly smoothed surface. The green visor remains stuck in place in the concrete. Construction Workers clench their fists. Liam clears most of the concrete from his chest, reveals the smeared ketchup. Construction Workers take a step back. One crosses himself. CONSTRUCTION WORKER #1 Dear God, we killed him. Liam, still oblivious to his surroundings, clomps off through a whole road of wet concrete, ruins it all. Construction Workers cheer. CONSTRUCTION WORKER #1 He’s a zombie. He doesn’t stop! A cement truck, two small orange triangle signs on its rear bumper, backs up toward the work zone, beeps. Liam, still unheeding, walks smack into the back of it. Liam staggers backwards from the blow. Construction Workers hold their breath. 5. Liam, after a moment to think about it, decides he’s all right. Keeps walking. Construction Workers cheer. CONSTRUCTION WORKER #1 That woulda been some liability. Back to work, boys. One of the orange signs is missing from the cement truck. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Liam bounds up the church steps. Pushes the two massive front doors open, one with each hand, head bowed with the effort. The doors give way with an ear-rending thud. Liam shakes his hair from his face. INT. CHURCH - DAY Hundreds of rows of pews, packed with well-dressed GUESTS. A wedding. Up front, a tableau of MINISTER, BRIDE, and GROOM. Everyone twists around to look at the intruder. Liam is a sight: blue painted body, red umbrella hangs down his back, gray specks of dried concrete adhere an upside-down orange triangle to his chest. He’s Superman. Bride’s jaw drops. Not a sound in the church. Liam sails up the aisle. Guests turn their heads as he passes, lend him a regal air, like a ship’s wake. The altar is set high above the congregation. Liam takes the steps one at a time, pitter, patter, pitter, patter, thrusts his knees high, pumps his arms. Bride, Groom, and Minister: still frozen in place. Liam gets to the top. Arms on hips, he catches his breath. A great big smile for Bride -- she is LISSY BANKHEAD (20s), her attitude and wedding gown scream “inherited wealth”, her bleached teeth peek out between perfectly pouty lips. 6. A great big smile for Groom -- he is YOUNGBLOOD RIBB (20s), prodigy in the toothpick business, could have gone pro in tennis if he’d chosen, successful in life and love. A great big smile for Minister -- not reciprocated. MINISTER If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. LISSY What are you doing here? LIAM I wasn’t going to come to your wedding, Lissy, ’cause I wasn’t sure I’d be welcome. Youngblood rolls his eyes. LIAM But then I got your... ‘n’ I knew that... oh, Lissy. Liam sweeps Lissy into his arms, crushes her into his chest. My dress! LISSY Ruined. Blue paint and ketchup on white lace and silk. LIAM You’re everything that’s holy ‘n’ bonza on this whole world, ‘n’, believe me, babe, I’ve seen most of it. ‘N’ here it is in my arms. YOUNGBLOOD (at a loss) Um, that is my fiancee, there, um, please, could you... LIAM Say you’ll be mine, ta. Lissy looks into his crystal-clear eyes. LISSY I love your accent. They kiss. Long, deep, and slow. Liam’s blue arms work up and down Lissy’s dress, smearing it beyond hope of repair. 7. MINISTER You have to kiss a few frogs before you find a prince. YOUNGBLOOD I am right here, Lissy. THORNE BANKHEAD (60s), Lissy’s father, a great mane of white hair set off by several impossible shades of tanned, Botoxed skin. In the front pew, he pounds the wood with a fist. THORNE That’s inappropriate, Lissy. Thorne’s arm is draped over the shoulders of a live BARBIE DOLL (18), her proportions preposterous. Lissy and Liam come up for air. They dive back in, sensual overload of a kiss, definitely not public material, much less an altar display. BILL RIBB (50s) and DEBBIE RIBB (50s), in their own front pew, googly-eyed. They look exactly like twins: same outfits, same side-swept haircut, same open mouths, bulging orbits. Youngblood looks to them, asks for advice with his eyes. Bill and Debbie, in unison, swing their eyes to him, mouths gulp like fish. No help. YOUNGBLOOD Lissy, um, I do not understand what is happening, I mean, I understand it in the birds and bees sense, but not in the you’s and me’s sense. I think you need to step back, think this through very carefully, because we are in the middle of our wedding. In the vows, right, Lissy? (beat) The “step back” part is important. Youngblood taps Liam’s shoulder. Lissy and Liam break their liplock. MINISTER Better to have and not need than to need and not have. YOUNGBLOOD Think about your actions, Lissy. This is so rash. 8. LISSY I haven’t been rash my entire life! Lissy flings out her arms in ecstasy. YOUNGBLOOD It could cost you a lifetime of happiness. Think it over. I will give you two a moment. LIAM I don’t need a moment. Do you need a moment? Nope. LISSY Liam swings an arm, a wild uppercut, smashes his fist into Youngblood’s chin. Youngblood somersaults backwards, lands on his stomach, out for the count. LIAM I’ve always wanted to do that. LISSY But why? He’s a nice guy. LIAM He had you, darling. He brought my life down around my ears with every glance he glanced you over the cereal, every hand he handed you in the theater, every check he checked you in the shopping mall. Oh, Liam. LISSY MONA BANKHEAD (50s), devoid of any talent except falling in love with rich men, runs from her pew on four-inch stiletto heels. She kneels at Youngblood’s side, taps his chin. LIAM Minister, we’re ready. Let’s finish those vows. MINISTER No shoes, no shirt, no service. LISSY Just this once. 9. MINISTER Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. Liam kneels on Youngblood’s other side. Strips Youngblood’s tuxedo jacket off. MONA But he’ll need that later! LIAM I need it now, Mona. Can you help with his shoes? Mona hesitates. LIAM Haven’t you always wondered what he looks like... underneath? Mona pulls off Youngblood’s wingtips. Liam throws on the jacket and shoes. A more remarkable sight. Arms around Lissy, cheek to cheek, Liam nods to Minister. MINISTER Do you, Alyssa Bankhead, take... take... take... MONA God bless you. MINISTER What is your name, Mr. Blue? Liam Ryan. LIAM MINISTER And your last name? Ryan. LIAM MINISTER Do you, Alyssa Bankhead, take Liam Ryan Ryan to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, for better and for worse... 10. THORNE Lissy, don’t do this! You’re supposed to marry Youngblood Ribb! This man is not the right one! MINISTER ...till death you part? THORNE If you do this, you’ll be breaking the merger, too, and I’ll cut you off without a penny! I do. LISSY Guests gasp as one. Oh, the courage! Lissy turns around, a brave jut of the chin. LISSY Love is more important to me than your mergers and all the money in the world. Guests applaud, cheer, kiss each other, swoon. THORNE Then you can kiss the reception hall goodbye, too, sweetheart. Thorne and Barbie Doll walk out, down the center aisle, derided by Guests on every side. LIAM Who needs money when we’ve got love? LISSY (whisper) I already said that, Liam. LIAM (whisper) Then you must be brilliant, ta. Kiss. MINISTER Do you, Liam Ryan Ryan... LIAM Just Liam Ryan. 11. MINISTER ...take Alyssa Bankhead to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, for better and worse, till death do you part? I do. LIAM Madness, cheering, thunderous applause. Bill and Debbie Ribb still stand stock-still, mouths open and close in unison, yoked eyes roll from one atrocity to another. Liam sweeps Lissy into his arms for another giant kiss. MINISTER What therefore God hath joined together, perhaps even against His will, let no man put asunder. (aside) I’d say, “Kiss the bride”, but you’re precocious in that department. (aloud) I present for the first time: Mr. and Mrs. Ryan! Huge organ music. Liam and Lissy skip down the aisle, arm in arm. Rock concert atmosphere. SUPER: “THE END” in flowing calligraphy. FADE TO BLACK. Roll END CREDITS. SERIES OF STILL PHOTOGRAPHS (DURING END CREDITS) Liam and Lissy hold hands, skip through the construction site. Construction Workers doff their caps. Guests follow, a giant crowd, trample through the wet concrete. Liam holds his hands over Lissy’s eyes, guides her to the beach, Guests skip and jump behind them. Liam, Lissy, and the WEDDING PARTY sit on a red and white checked tablecloth spread out on the sand, like a head table. Babes, Beauties, and Housewives mingle with Guests. Liam has taken off the red umbrella. 12. Liam and Lissy kiss, as all present toast them with open bottled waters, splash each other. The Wedding Party use sand to scrub the blue paint off Liam. He winces. Maintenance Woman has an apologetic expression. Lissy rips the orange sign off Liam’s chest. He’s howling. A Babe holds a boombox. First dance. Liam and Lissy sway. Much less formal dance. Everyone’s in on it. Sand flies in all directions. The limbo. Two guys from the Wedding Party hold a Babe horizontal, everyone’s going underneath. Except for Liam and Lissy: they’re making out in an unseen corner. Liam pops a Twinkie into Lissy’s mouth. Everyone’s cheering. Lissy jams a Twinkie all over Liam’s face. Laughter. Lissy licks the Twinkie off Liam’s face. Raucous laughter. Lissy tosses the orange sign backwards over her head. A huge crowd of Babes and Beauties jump for it. Housewife from earlier makes an elaborate presentation, hands the folded umbrella to Liam with a bow. Laughter. Liam and Lissy stand above the beach. Wave at everyone below. Liam and Lissy at the airport, the ticket line. Liam wears decent clothes, Lissy’s changed out of the dress. They kiss. Liam and Lissy at the terminal, the gate. They kiss. Liam and Lissy on the plane. They kiss. Liam and Lissy under a sign: “Cancun, Mexico.” They kiss. Sun’s going down. Liam and Lissy outside a resort hotel. They kiss. Liam and Lissy sit down to dinner at the resort. They kiss. Lissy points to a salad on the menu. The WAITER nods. Liam points to a steak on the menu. The Waiter nods. Lissy glares at Liam, an angry, teeth-clenching look. FREEZE SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS End Credits grind to a halt. 13. Music ends abruptly, with a sick-sounding atonal screech. That last photograph comes to life. Waiter backs away. Liam shrugs, a “What’s wrong” look. Lissy’s in a slow boil. She breathes in and out, in and out, controls her temper. She swallows. LISSY You eat meat? CUT TO BLACK. OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE INT. HOTEL ROOM - CANCUN - NIGHT Lissy, curled in a ball on the bed, eyes wide open, chin trembles, looks ready to burst into tears at any moment. Liam leans against a window sill, looks at the Gulf. No one wants to make the first move. Liam takes small backward steps, a silent shuffle. His calves touch the bed. Lissy watches him. Her pouty lips tighten. Liam lowers his butt, ever so slow, eases down towards the bed. Five inches, four, three, almost sitting down... Mister! LISSY Liam leaps to the window. LISSY Youngblood doesn’t eat meat. LIAM I can hardly be expected to know that. Expected? LISSY 14. LIAM I mean, we’re not going to agree on everything, ta. LISSY Youngblood and I would craft menus together, a month out. He’s big on scheduling. We’d go to the outdoor market, first Saturday of the month, look through the leeks and bok choy. I bet you’ve never even heard of bok choy. LIAM Long as he’s not a country singer. LISSY What have I done? Lissy buries her head under a pillow. LIAM Last I checked, I cracked onto you ‘n’ you cracked onto me. You voted for a life of adventure ‘n’ chucked your boring life’s plans. I thought it was dinky-di. Lissy screams into her pillow. Liam reaches out the window, plucks a geranium from a flower box. Puts it between his teeth. Strikes a pose. LIAM Ugh. This tastes awful. Lissy looks up from under her pillow. Can’t help but laugh. LIAM There. Better. LISSY A stupid flower doesn’t make up for it. So we we’re idiots. LIAM No, I said you were brilliant. LISSY This can’t be happening to me. LIAM To us, babe, to us. 15. Lissy runs to the bathroom. Slams the door. Liam smiles. He jumps onto the bed, stretches out on his back. Draws one leg up in a sexy pose, looks at the bathroom door. He practices a sexy smile, rehearses complimentary lines for when Lissy emerges. LIAM (whisper) You look beaut... Better than I imagined... Ace! That’s spiffy, perfect for the old fella... The sound of crying through the door. Liam’s smile is wiped off. Throws up his hands. LIAM Yeah, that’d be right. THE REMAINDER OF THIS SCREENPLAY IS AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST